I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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