Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
