i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You're like the curious george of whores
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
