I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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