my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
