: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
