DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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