his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
