The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize