every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
