My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
