Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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