I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it hurts more in the daytime
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
