Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
