There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
