People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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