he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
