AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
