im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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