there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
