I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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