I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
