You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
