Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
