Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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