just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
