Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
