There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
