I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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