I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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