Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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