sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
