She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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