I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
