bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Randomize
