i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
