I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
