You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
