Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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