last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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