I wish I could punch you in the face.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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