btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i barfeds in our rink
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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