What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
