I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
