I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
