we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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