yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
