You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
