On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize
