so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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