I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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