Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
