I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
