Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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