the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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