Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Randomize
