my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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