I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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