well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
