I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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