Four minutes until I can fart!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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