grandma shit on top of the toilet
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
