i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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