but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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