I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
